Friday, May 13, 2011

Older than I've Ever Been

I realized something remarkable the other day. I was in Dillards looking at their ties and men's shirts. Summer sale season will be here soon and I want to be prepared for when it happens. Anyway I saw someone I knew behind the colone counter counter and so I walked up said, "Hi" and made with the chatty. After we parted ways the enormity of what I had done sunk in.

See I am a migraine sufferer the funny thing about migraines is that they tend to put all over pain into perspective. So when I walk into a wall or slam my hand on something or even when I recently spained my finger I didn't really think any of these things mattered. In fact I was working just fine with the spained finger but then I realized the pain was moving up my arm and should prolly do something about that. That is what my migraines are like. They put all other pain in their place. When I have a bad migraine the day afterwards I am wiped out too. Being in that much pain for that long is just exhausting and I often times find myself unable to move. One time I dry heaved for over a half hour and as a result I fucked up all the muscles in my chest. These are the things that happen to me during a migraine and they are worth not liking.

Now my migraines are set off by three things, stress during periods of insomnia, certain smells especially perfumes and colognes, and some random x factor that will bring me from happy time to FUCKING DEAD.

But wait I strode confidently and happily up to the counter to say hi to some girl who I don't know very well at all. Really, REALLY? I would take that sort of risk just to talk to someone? What the fuck ever. But I did. Then I realized that the migraines that come from certain smells especially colognes and perfumes aren't as powerful anymore, and they aren't as immediatly crippling. Earlier in my life just walking near that area of the store could leave me crippled for the rest of the day. Now I could do it without thinking about it. Granted when she wanted to play samples with me I politely declined because that really is playing with fire. But my migraines happen less often, and no longer are department stores turgid minefields of potential endless pain and suffering.

I am clinically depressed. But it isn't that bad. I suspect that it leaves me always a little off though. But that is something different. I do crash however. When I do I do it hard. Oh so very hard. I can't talk to people, be around people, I freak out easily, and I truely can't handle any sort of emotional pressure at all. It is like I go from zero to critical instantly. I cry at random, or sometimes I just fade out and I end up staring into space for long periods of time. My brain shuts down and I am unable to function creativly. It sucks. And this just happened to me. It is actually my last published blog post.

Again this is set off by a number of things, and while it did just happen to me and I didn't like it I realize now that when I was in high school this would happen to me roughly every 6 months or so. Now it is only once a year maybe even less, and I'll admit it I was really pushing myself and running along the razors edge for a long time so I mean I was expecting this to happen for awhile now.

and I only need to replace my glasses every two years or so.

I am 29. I am rapidly approching middle age and while this is a source of dread for many people it isn't for me. As I am getting older my life and health have improved dramticly and it is almost with a sort of relief that many of my problems that afflict me do so less often and with not as much intensity. Lots of people look at getting older with a sense of dread. But I am a migraine sufferer and the fucking things happen less often now so I am okay with that. If that is what it takes I will get old all day long.

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