Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What is Going on and Why I've Gone Quiet

I don't ordinarily do this. What's more is that I actually wrote this last night and now I am rewriting it. I don't really rewrite things here. I consider my blog to be a giant scrap book for my brain that isn't subjected to such quality assurances such as editing rewriting and what not. Then again my blog posts are primarily for me. Not you. This one however, is for you and as such I've decided to rewrite it. The fact I am writing this in the first place is weird but whatever. I realize that I have lots of new friends now, and this doesn't happen to me as often as it used to. Also the last couple of times it happened I have been able to hide it or head it off at the pass so that nobody noticed. This isn't going to work this time. So I thought I would clue people in. That and who knows maybe writting about this for a second time will make me feel better. Lets move onwards and upwards.

How I Feel.

Bad. It isn't just the normal bad either like there is something wrong or something like that. No this is different. This is that I don't feel anything at all except a general sense of malease that will turn explosive at the slightest thing going wrong. By explosive this can be either anger, or dispair, not something cool like joy. It will be little things like loosing my pumpkins in minecraft or misplacing my keys, or stumbling across a thought that doesn't normally bother me that all the sudden does. Sometimes it will be nothing at all and it will just happen like my head is just full of mine fields and if I don' spend enough time running then the sniper will get me.

Officially I've felt this way for 5 days now. 4 of those days I forgot to eat anything more than a small bowl of salad and some icecream which makes me...I dunno a girl on a really bad diet I guess. Still one needs to eat more than a small bowl of salad a day and so for the first time yesterday I ate some food. I was not deliberatly starving myself because I am upset but rather I ended up starving myself because my body couldn't really be bothered to request food from me. This is pretty much how EVERYTHING feels. Everything is a chore, everything is hard, and when I get frusterated which is easily and often I tend to disproportionately flip out. Like when I lost my pumpkins. I am actually really embarassed about that one. Most pathetic flip out ever.

Unofficially I've been bad for a week before the 1st and I've been "getting bad" for at least two weeks before thn maybe a lil longer. It is hard to feel these things happening as they are happening but there isn't to much I can do now because it is here and it is happening to me and there isn't a whole hell of a lot I can do to stop it.

This ties into the reason as to why I've gone quiet. Dropping out of the world for a bit is essential for the rest of you living through what is happening to me. I feel terrible already so permenatly burning a bridge between the two of us won't make me feel any worse. I've done it before, and I will more than likely do it again. To emphasize I stopped talking to my parents who love me for no real reason. Not talking to you anymore is easier. This sentence isn't directed at anyone either (promise). It doesn't matter if you are Corey, Tyson, or someone I don't like at all like Asshole Dan fuck with me in this state of mind and I will make sure that there will be no more contact between for a decent amount of time and sometimes ever. It is just how it happens. In some cases I've had to delete people from my friend's list and phone to keep myself from relentlessly going after them. Plus it doesn't make me feel any better.

It is what it feels like to go crazy because I know what I am doing is wrong but I literallly can't do anything to stop it. Things go cold inside of me and my thoughts seize up and my consiousness goes straight to hell.

How Things Have Been:

Yesterday was my first day off since I've gone quiet and so far it has been the least worst of. With two exceptions I haven't had a conversation that has lasted more than ten consecutive words for a week now. You would think this would make me feel worse and it should. But I am anti social and so it doesn't. I do enjoy the fact that I can just sort of "put people away" at my job and use the excuse that I need to be elsewhere. Working while like this is tuff. It is tuff for two reasons. One is that it gives me a lot of time to think and if I don't keep my brain occupied on something neat it will be occupied by everything negative ever. That sucks. The other thing is that I still wear a mask of happiness there. It is just easier that telling the truth so I just let it happebn. I smile, wave, engage in false sounding banter, then hide in the bathroom for awhile. All contact is only semi nessisary there which is nice.

Yesterday though was alright bit it did have a couple of misteps. I acidently stared into space for, well I don't know how long somewhere between 15 and 45 minuts. Yeah it was a decently long time where I was just completely gone. Then when I came out of it I felt like I was going to cry. It just sort of happened out of nowhere. The crything thing I can understand though, it is pretty much the brains reset button and it is kinda its way to get me moving again, espceically after locking up like that.

I watched Chocolate (the martial arts action movie not the french film) and I loved it. I actually had a good time there. Then I watched Rise of the Phoenix which wasn't as good and it stirred up something inside of me that left me feeling morose and that pretty much lasted the rest of the day. I've been playing a lot of mine craft and while I don't really have the energy to build anything I have been massing supplies for the day when I will have the energy to construct something. I think I am going to break from minecraft though and pursue other things. Like I think I am going to play though a JRPG on my ds. Something nice and consuming. It is unfortunatly my ps2 is broke or I'd be using that. I just realize the other day that I never beat Ar Tonellico 2. I am really close to the end and then I just Added out of it which is a shame because I really loved that game. So I'll play though sands of destruction or something like that. I dunno maybe ff6 again can't mess with a classic.

I've also been reading the Instructions which is nice because I can read as much of that book as I want at any given time and I still have more. I've read two hundred pages in the past three days and I still have over 500 pages left. Best of all it doesn't make me feel worse and it gives me pleanty to think about. I kinda wanna read Atlas Shrugged next. I should order it online because I'll be done with the Instructions before long, possibly before this is all over. I wanna read Atlas Shrugged because I haven't before and there is something about it that interests me.

Why I am This Way

This is the last section I know this because I want to go. Every time I come to Barns and Nobles I am reminded as to why I don't like coming here. The strange thing is that I can't put my finger on why I don't like coming here I just don't. The whole place makes my skin crawl. Anyway, I am like this for a few reasns. One is that I am clinically depressed these things happen. The way I look at it, I see it as emotional migrains. I get migrians. I get really bad ones, bad enough so that I'll be wiped out for two days because being in that much pain will just leave me so exhausted that I can't really function. However, should I take care of myself I can reduce their occurrences. My depression is like the same way unfortunatly, things tend to conspire against me and these things just happen and as a result I feel this way due to a number of circumstances.

My Birthday. My birthday is a hard time of year for me. It really really is. There is no getting round it and there is nothing I can do about it. It is really something I leave in the hands of other people, and you know what? I am thinking I need to change my stradegy regarding this. Normally I leave my birthday in the hands of people I can trust like Sasha or Jessica and you know what? It has never worked out. So I will either leave it in the hands of more people or less, I am thinking less. I'll be turning 30 next year and I think it is best I do that alone. I try to not make a big deal about my birthday and most people were suprised when they heard it had past. This is how I wanted it. It just didn't work out the way I thought it would.

Work. I like my job. But I don't want to fucking live there. That is what I have ben doing. With the shortages, and people keep leaving, and my days off being split up it is like I can't get a break. The problem is that everyone I work with doesn't seem to fucking care about leaving either on time or anywhere near it. As a result I find myself doing far more work than nessisary, far faster just so that I can go home on time. It is kind of rediculous and it is something I need to stop. I mean I just got off of a 6 day streach, had one day off and now I am going to turn around and work 5 more days. What the hell is that? Things should be returning to normal soon though I just need to hole up.

Socialization. I am anti social. THose people who hang out with groups of other people every day? I don't fucking understand how they do it. I love my firends and I enjoy being with them very much but I could go crazy hanging out with them every day. As a weird aside this works differently with girlfriends I don't know how or why but it is like my entire interal structure shifts. It is really weird. Hanging out with her and our friends still causes me to break but just me and her it is okay isn't that weird? Over the years I've tried to not isolate the people I am with due to my own problems. I've yet to be successful. It isn't that I've been doing it to much, but close to it. However, along with the my explosive tendencies I find hanging out exhausting sometimes and I am just unable to do it effectivly. Pile this on top of being beaten down by work and nothing good will come of it.

Then Lack of Sleep. This is a chicken or the egg sort of situation and I don't know which one comes first, if one is the symtom of the other or what. But I haven't been sleeping well and that is not fucking helping.

I am doing better, though writting this post didn't really help at all but whatever. I should be fine in a week or two and then I will be able to keep going like it never happened.

Well I think that covered everything and I am tired of writing.

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