Odd

I am having an oddly difficult time concentrating today, I am not sure what that's about but my time here is nearly up and I want to get something productive done. In Lieu of that I am going to write here. For reasons I can't even begin to fathom I have been thinking an awful lot about the past recently. Not with any sort of rosey eyes nostaliga I assure you but rather a more hard lined look of who I was, what I've become and where I plan on going. I don't really have any firm conclusions at the moment except that there are some basic life things I need to get taken care of and I find them scary. I'm sure I'd get help if I asked for it, but that isn't my way. I find it baffling how easily people can navigate things that I find insurmountable. Then again, I can fearlessly charge into a government run beuracray with the drive of a suicide bomber and come out the other side. Speaking of which I need to get my registration taken care of so I don't have to deal with it anywhere NEAR my birthday because bugger that. I insist that it can all be done online. It is just a matter of getting it done. I also need to do my taxes I was going to hold of on that but at the moment it isn't something I should be putting off anymore. Mostly though, I need to get things packed up and I need to start working on finding a new place to live. That shouldn't be to particularly hard because I have a sort of absent minded bullheaded confidence when it comes to these sorts of things. It is kinda like having having an aura of false invulnerability. It works out well enough until someone pokes me with a stick, then I gotta take a nap for weeks on end while I recover. Oddly enough the person who does the poking most often is me because I work very hard to lie to myself less.

Near my right hand is a book called "The Origins of Totalitarianism". I want this book very very much but I know that I won't read it because I am to wrapped up with to many other things. I really do want it though. Totalitarianism man now that is a thing. It is deep, dark and there is something infinitely sexy about the idea. Sure sure it would suck to live under a totalitarian government, I don't know these things first hand but I got a general idea that it isn't so much fun. Still though, the idea of running one, of making things happen, of sending them all scurrying. That is something that I am far to fascinated with for my own good. The sections of the book I am paticularly interested in are the sections about the transformation from classes to masses and the use of propaganda when it comes to dealing with the outside world.

The classes to masses thing is of paticular interest bcause I've long wondered how it is that people become so very married to ideas. I spoil myself by surrounding myself with people who are flexible thinkers. Like a friend of mine last night didn't understand how one person wouldn't conform entirely to one gender or another. It took me five minutes of explaining it and he got it. Whereas I have other people I know who I could talk to them for hours but the idea of gender as something fixed in space is just to much for them to handle. Young people too like in their early 20's. Ben Burbank said something in an article in Time which has stuck with me, "Geologists study earthquakes when they want to see how the plates move, ecconomists should be studying the great depression". It makes perfect sense. So when trying to understand how people become fixed in ideas, refusing to give them up, well looking at people who live under totalitarian regimes should fit that bill.

Between the two of them the quickest and easiest thing to point out is fear. Fear fear is one of the greatest societal controls that has ever been developed. It can erode rationality, replace rationality, it can turn the world upside down, and devour one's will to fight back. Take a look at the saying "The first person to do it is a madman, the second person to do it is a trendsetter". This is because there is some element in our sociery perhaps in humanity that craves highly ordered tightly organized structures. Not everyone of course. But while your friend is out move everything they own one inch to the left and see what happens. Hilarity that's what. But see here I am talking in generalities. That is half the problem is finding some nice meaty example that I can work off of. Totalitarianism though, that works, it titilates, it's romantic. I gotta say I am fan.

That is the main reason why the post modern pornography project stalled. For example I want to write about the text surrounding pornographic images on the internet and maybe in movies. The reason being is that it makes the whole Andrea Dworkin "Pornstars are whores" essay seem not utterly retarded which is important to me for reasons that I can't even begin to understand. The problem? There is nothing but fly by night pornography operations. I can't really grab something juicy like Jizz on my Glasses or traumatizing like Anal Smoothy because in two to five years those sites won't exist anymore. Hell even the massive construct that is the Bang Bros network won't be around a couple of years from now and it would be nice if my stuff still worked. I suppose I could take screen caps or something. It is something I am very invested in and it is the only reason why the Totalitarianism book is still sitting by my right hand instead of being paid for. No more new theory projects until I finish the one I am working on.

Screen caps though, that might work. Because the language surrounding the images is almost more important than the images themselves. It is almost like there is this universal acceptance that pornography, in its standard form is boring. Not metaphyisically of course. Like take the way the actual act itself is zoomed in upon with such ferocious dedication, for minutes on end. There isn't any idea of artistry, elegance, or even attemt at establishing that the act going on is sexual in nature. Which is interesting because it leads me to the following conclusions:

-One the act of sex isn't nessisarly sexual. Same way me rubbing your feet may or may not be sexual depending on the fetishes you come equipped with.
-The act of sex can be desexualized when the actual physical aspects of the sex act become overly focused on
-That the pornography is still being consumed as sexual even through materials even though the pornography itself bearly constitures as something as sexual.

That last bit is messy but really though, why does bad porn still excist? It is like the pen ultimate argument against free market ecconomics. Oh god its been forever since I dug out free market ecconomics but take the idea of competition, people put out better products and there is this consistent air of competition so that newer better products will be constantly put out. The things that flummox this are things like advertisements, brand loyalty, and all sorts of other stuff. Yet looking at pornography, the exact opposite has happened. Attempts at quality and legitimacy that were made in the 70's have been thrown to the wind and now what we have are these dull repetative videos and...anal smoothy which is part of the extreme gaping genra which is the reason why no one can have nice things.

So what is it about pornography that makes it so that no one is willing to ask for better quality porn. Seriously, people should demand more from their porn but they don't. Even sights like to the nines fall radically short of their intended objective. Sure some of the actresses start off as attractive but over the course of filming something happens. I've actually found a few videos where this is not the case. HOWEVER, I am starting to suspect that is part of my sexual deviancies rather than an ontological status. I need to get some sociological studies on pornography, but fucking christ these people are so behind the curve that they can not produce the sophistication I am asking for. I mean fucking hell there was a study done just recently pointing out that the people who are the insane porn crazed folks are rare and most people only view it every so often and in relativly brief intervals. A novelty. Like many other people's brushes with decadence they fiddle with it briefly and then wander off to greener pastures which are occationally revisited.

Hrmph. Well shit I feel vaugely trapped. I guess the best way to proceed is to simply just go forth and let the chips fall where they may. Its strange though, it doesn't feel right. Grawr. I guess at the end of the day I just need pornography and a bunch of it. Maybe I should apply for a research grant, that would be hilarious if I got it. Its strange though, because some of the movies from the 70's like Deep Throat have achieved a sort of quasi legendary acceptance in the hip crowd. It has become a strange sort of cinematic icon along side Debbie does Dallace. It almost occupies the same cultural space that the grindhouse movies do. Grind house is an entire genra of film that excists vididly for the people who love it and only bealry hinted at to those on the outside. Another example would be the sexploitation genera which is one of those dark secretive ugly things hat people dig up and often watch for the wrong reasons.

Rape porn is something that shouldn't even exist.

I guess what I will do is start again, picking some specific pornographic works and working my way up or down from there. Ugh, I've learned that finding porn on the internet is easy. Finding a specific porn? Nearly god damned impossible. I guess I'll do that then I go home in a bit.