Well I am Glad that is Fucking over and done with

Okay seriously, SERIOUSLY that was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time. It wasn't so much that anything happened or even that I got depressed. Instead I was in a great mood that was slowly pecked to death by thousands of tiny annoyances that just sort of wore me down and more or less crippled me. Essentially, this is what happened. My lenses on my glasses got scratched pretty badly. I am not even very sure as to how it happened but it totally did and that's lame. Okay. As a result I started getting really nasty eye strain headaches. In general eye strain headaches are just long dull throbbing pain that is focused around the eyes, the more you use your eyes the worse it gets. They also make you feel really tired because all you wanna do is just close your eyes. Okay fine. This sucks. This also started last Friday, so I figgure I'd tough it out, wait a bit, get my eyes examined on my day off.

That...well that didn't happen. See Eyeglass world used to be walk in get your eyes checked and be done with it. I like going to them, they are open 7 days a week and they don't cost an arm and a leg. Well no I needed to make an appointment, for Friday. I went in on Tuesday early afternoon. I was not happy about this. See I couldn't read, and I can't write, movies started to hurt my head after awhile, so that leaves low impact computer games.

This is also the week that my computer became crippled by a virus. I still don't know where it came from, which offends me. I don't mind getting viruses I mean I consider it part of the territory. I do like to know where they came from though. No dice. So I back some things up wipe the hard drive and reinstall windows. I didn't have to do this. But by the time I had gotten rid of the virus my operating system was in shambles and it would of taken more time to fix than would of been worth it.

Throughout all of this I had eye strain headaches that were getting steadly worse as the week went on. These headaches made me distracted and even more abscent minded than usual so I would be constantly leaving things places or loosing things. For those of you who know me well, loosing things causes me to genuinely freak out. So while my computer was down my baby laptop became reduced to a paperweight because I had lost the charger cable. Charger cables are expensive holy fuck. I was looking around at buying a replacement and jesus, 40-100 bucks. It turns out I left it at Books a Million.

So I couldn't use my back up computer to help me back things up or to look up solutions to my problem. Awesome.

Then moving back onto my computer began. First I had to wrest control of my computer back away from Vista and into my hands. Then I began redownloading all the things I need, which is actually a lot of shit and nothing was working right at first. Like my computer wouldn't recognize my cable modem. Okay fine I'll just go download one...FUCK. So I had to actually go down to the Cox digital media place and ask them for a driver disk. Once that was overcame I started installing things left and right, and then it came time for the windows up date. Yeah an 8 gig download that would take forever because microsoft servers are slow. So I start it before I go to bed at night. Before I leave for work the next day it is still chugging along. I come home from work and it has progressed exactly 5% and there is a dialouge box explaining that windows had just downloaded new printer drivers and if I wanted to get the full Lexmark printer experience then I would need to download their special software. It stopped my entire fucking download for that? Seriously? This is about the point where I started cracking up. Then Feast of Boris happened in KOL, I had it set aside where I would be able to do over 200 adventures, mid hardcore on feast of boris. I spent an entire week setting that up. But because of my computer problems, getting off work late, and server lag I didn't get to spend any adventures on FOB. Not only that but I ended up wasting 60 adventures or so.

Whatever, basicly something I was looking foward to and planning for didn't fucking happen for stupid reasons. Oh and there is still the pain.

Its now sunday. I have my new lenses. I have the cord to my baby lap top. I have resighned to not visiting sasha next week, my eyes need another day of rest then they should be fine, my stomach really hurts, and I am just unable to maintain a good mood anymore.

So big black cloud activate. It should hang around for a couple of days then fuck off. In the mean time I will play dungeon fighters a lot and generally relax. Unless some more stupidity happens, in which case I will send it directly to fucking hell. Like this stomach thing going on, it better be messed up because of the fact that it is a stomch and it does things like that and it better have nothing to do with the stomach virus going around.

Purple Figments

This might spontaneously end much like the last one. If it does I don't really feel bad about it. I am in a good mood though, a good enough mood that I don't feel like dealing with people. I just sort of want to play my video games, read, and I dunno something else. Its sunday and I hate sundays because everything is closed by the time I get off of work and there are "things" I want to buy. No matter I'll deal with it tomarrow, which is a better time for me anyway. I have a not present present to give to someone. I like giving presents! I don't need a lot of things, just some blank dvd cases and what not. Other people give music or things, and I give out movies. Glorious movies. You know what? Fuck the -ous sound.

Oh so I really want a copy of "A course in modern linguistics" I was flipping through it the other day and it looks neat. I've always wanted a copy of it but every time I see it, it is around 20 bucks which is a large chunk of money that is primarily could be use for a cooler piece of theory. Of course all the books on amazon are really expensive so I don't know what the deal is. Oh well. I'll pick it up someday on a whim and vaugely regret it but not really.

Moving on. People who fry moonpies have problems. Just sayin.

I've been wanting to play through a big clunky roleplaying game. I really want to play persona 3, holy shit that game is so cool. I just don't think I want to devote the 80 hours it would take to beat it into the ground. That is some seriouse time to devote to a game. Of course I say that while spending at least an hour a night on kingdom of loathing, or a couple of hours on dungeon fighter, but it is diffrent with persona. There is a lot of extended concentration involved, and to be honest? The whole time limit thing sort of stresses me out. That is the main thing that is holding me up. That's kind of a lame reason but whateva.

Oh oh oh, I need to remind myself to go to the eye doctor on wensday, or maybe tuesday afternoon. Hell I should totally wake up early and just do that. Since I am reusing my frames it shouldn't be all that expensive. Its been an expensive month for me and the glasses thing is kinda unanticipated. I also need to get an oil change and some general maintenance stuff. Oh well. I guess no new toys for the next couple of months. Huh it isn't often I write about money. Most times I have more than enough and it is nothing more than an abstract concern to me. I don't really spend that much money on STUFF. It is just that by not spending money I don't even have to think about it. Now that I have to I am annoyed.

Oh well my battery is about to die, I left my power cord at home, and I am nearly out of things to say. Well that is not true at all, I have all sorts of things I just not for embloggery. Ah well, like I said earlyer I am in a GOOD mood! And hopefully I won't have to deal with a crippling headache tonight.

Alright!

So my brain is back again! I am really excited about it! It only took about two weeks to get it all reset which is actually pretty impressive. W00t! Okay so I have 15 minuts to get some stuff down. First of all I did absolutely no writing for the last two weeks so I have all sorts of things kicking around. Mostly I have all sorts of rpg stuff I need to get down and organized. I LOST one of my SLA game sessions notes which sucks so I need to get back on that. I need to get on that. Also all the shadowrun books ever have been catching my eye, they are expensive, hardcover, and PRETTY. So I've made a deal with myself, if I write three shadowrun game sessions then I am going to treat myself to a couple of the books. I am not sure which ones but I mean I am definatly not going to spend 90 bucks on something that I am not going to use. It isn't like they are good reading or anything like that.

Also, I think I wanna go back and analyze the "Don't taze me Bro" video. I talked down an absolute idiot who was going all skulls conspiracy theory on me. I got him good, fuck I even quoted crimethink which was awesome. I knew reading all that stuff that one morning was useful. But! Just in case I have to go against someone who is mentally competent it would be handy. ALSO I totally don't believe pornography is inherently voyeuristic! So I want to get a at least two maybe three blog posts about that before I take it to sasha in letter format, or perhaps verbally. I am pretty excited about things right now. I also have all sorts of other things buzzing around that are all excited about escaping.

I also want to start writting my rpg again. I think I am going to set that for some time soon. Maybe May or March. I don't know, I also want to get on the Post moderen pornography project. I think now that I stopped writing for a bit and recharged my batteries I'll be doing much better with it. Like I would sit there to write it and stuff would come out very slowly and I kept leaping topics. I started getting really annoyed with it. Now I think I'll be good to go.

Alright well I am going to go write a bunch of rpg stuff. I have no idea if I am going to post it so we'll see.

Oh well these things do happen

Its funny. Sometimes when things are pretty low I sometimes think that if I cured my migrains my depression would be cured as well. Or vice versa. It is a nice thought. However, my migrains are caused by an unknown factor, lack of sleep, certain odors, and stress. My depression is a large black cloud that floats around in the back of my head and sometimes it ends up in the front of my head for a visit. One is precicise excruciating pain that really does make me redefine the term unbearable. Whereas depression just sort of sits there like a 30 ton load stone which drags me down.

At the moment I am depressed. However! It isn't so bad relatively speaking. I am not pointlessly angry at Sasha over nothing. I do that shit, it is terrible and sad. I'm glad that I'm not doing that now, and I wish it were something I'd never do again. Heck I am not really angry or lashing out at anyone. Tis nice. I felt this growing in the back of my skull for awhile now, and the wave ended up cresting on Tuesday. Now I am just stuck in the undertow. Not even anime club cheered me up, and mostly for their protection I remained withdrawn for the evening. Oh well.

This bout isn't that bad, it certainly isn't the worst I've ever had which is nice. Everytime this happens to me there is that deep down secret little fear of, "what if this doesn't go away this time? What if I stay stuck like this forever?" The answer? Well I'd take up drinking and bad poetry. The combonation of the three would result in the dissolusion of my current relationship but I would exchange it with lots and lots of uninhibited sex.

As a strange aside I was talking to two girls the other day about long disatance relationships. One girl I like and I am glad I met her. The other girl I half like and I am glad that I don't talk to her outside of work. Anyway both were talking about how they have needs and that they wouldn't be able to handle a long distance relationship. Its funny though. See, I explained to them that I could pretty easily open my relationship up. I wouldn't be hard. I would just have to look her in the eyes and say to her, "Look I miss you and as a result I need to get my pole waxed by girls who I don't like enough to date/love/take care of, but I do want to fuck. You don't mind right?". She would say it would be okay and I would see the hurt in her eyes but that's okay because I could just fuck that pain away with some other girl. Yeah see that isn't worth it. Its sad because one of those girls I was talking to was like 32, and she hasn't figgured out that there are some people worth sacrificing imeaditate gratification for. Oh well. The shit I do isn't for everyone and I hope her own path is a happy one.

Anyway. Back on topic. Its strange. I cured my whole anemia thing with just one pill, it was amazing how quick and easy it went. So it is almost like maybe I could do the same thing with the migrains and everything else. Or something like that. It is a nice fantasy that I don't think I'll indulge in for to much longer.

So anyway. This shit needs to be over by Tuesday evening. That should be enough time. Tonight I clean up the hause a bit. Cleaning always makes me feel better, at the very least it is productive and it keeps me moving and when I am finished it looks like I did something. So I am down with all of these things. Sunday night I am going to do laundery. Again something nice, productive, and feel bettery. It also gets me out of the house. Sunday is also my night of choice because Books A million closes early. Anyway yeah. Saturday night I think I am going to try and write or something. Something creative and productive. Maybe another SLA bpn. Or I could shore up a couple of the other ones I wrote. Something like that.

Oh well at least my Kingdom of Loathing run is going well. I should be in aftercore by saturday evening. YAY! Hooray for small favors I guess.

Alright back to work I go or something like that.

Hrmph

I shouldn't be here right now. I shouldn't be. I should be in the car. I don't like the car but I should be there. I should be crossing through Alabama into Mississippi and eventually into New Orleans. I should be walking through rain slicked streets looking for a place called Ruby Fruit, I should be getting a hug from the only person I really want one from. Instead I am in Books a Million.

I'm over it for the most part. The senario I just played out for you above will happen on Tuesday night, 6 days from now. I won't be looking for Ruby Fruit though but whatever. Delays happen, and in all other times I have handled them with varying amounts of grace. This one however, I am handleing the worst. This is because I can't go because of work. See work is one of those things. I generally let it have as little effect on the rest of my life as humanly possible.

So when my boss told me I had to come in on my day off for an hour long meeting I told him to take a flying leap. When I was asked the other week to come in on my day off I told them "no". I rarely if ever stay after to help out. My job is there to support my life, it is not to unduely interfere with my life nor is it my life. Most people seem to get this backwards.

Most people seem to think that work is life. One time I had to sit my mom down and explain the diffrence. She still doesn't get it, that's okay though. My boss also doesn't seem to understand what is so horrible about having to come in on my day off so he can drone on about things I don't give a fly fuck about. Its sad in a way because I do think that work is the sum total of his life and he is lost without it.

No matter. So yeah I am annoyed, but it is one of those things where my hands are tied. Calling in would more or less break the uneasy truce I have with the idea of work. Explaining the uneasy truce would take to long and I don't understand it all myself. I know enough about it that it is fundamentally hypocritical, flawed, and if I talk to much about it I will realize the full depths of both of these things fly off the handle and get myself fired.

AND SO! It is one of those things I try not to question to hard. I'm still grumpy though, and more than a little sad.

Most of my initial anger I took out on someone at work who deserved it. So that's always nice. Then I read War of the Kings, which was relaxing and FUN! I've also been playing a lot of Dwarf Fortress. Man I love that game. It is why I am here actually. Were I to go home right now I would prolly re-read war of the kings, andf play Dwarf Fortress all night long. However, I want to take a stab at doing something productive so I'm... bitching.

Oh well I guess I should move onto a topic...yeah it will get its own post.

Okay I wish I could get do overs on my days

So there was a whole bunch of things I meant to do yesterday and I got exactly nothing done. I am not even sure how it happened but I know that I was signifigantly annoyed as a result. Oh well. Kingdom of Loathing run got wrapped up last night. I smashed my ascension record by over 200 turns which is amazingly impressive. It still took the same number of days which doesn't make sense to me but I'll figgure that out somehow where. Already this run is going fantastically and soon I hope to be able to crank out 7 day hardcore runs on a regular basis.

Other than that? Jesus I did nothing. I made a half hearted attempt to troubleshoot my desktop and that just didn't happen. As a result I ended up playing a lot of Dwarf Fortress. I love that game, but I meant to get writting, research, and reading done. I just flat out didn't do any of it. I instead just hung out. See this isn't something I don't mind doing but it needs to happen on purpose othersieI get really testy. It's important to me that I live a deliberate life and yesterday things just happened to me.

Oh well. Its good to write about these things. And it is only three now so I have 12 to 13 hours left today to get something more or less accomplished.

So!

Goals for the day:

Some PPP
Make SLA PRemade charecters
Finnish up cuntface semester
Annnnnnd then some dwarf fortress.

I wonder which kidney would win

Or better yet if my Kidneys and my lungs were to have a fight which ones would win? Lungs are kinda a pussy organ so I am not so sure. I should of asked the doctor when I saw him. Yeah that was fun, no actually it wasn't that bad. See I've grown up without health insurance. My mom, my mom would always take me to fairly nice walk in clinics that would usually be located somewhere on the far side of the moon but they were clean, well lit, and the doctors non scary. My dad would take me to the most cracked out place he could find, including the emrgency room in one scary god damned hospital. Yeah even the doctor was confused as to why we just didn't go to a normal walk in clinic once. Who knows. Anyway I expected to wait. Wait for a good long time with no food or drink. I brought with me this laptop, a fully charged DS, 5 back issues of time, a pad, 7 zillion pens, and a will to heal. I was ready to dig in and be there for the long haul. SO off I went to the scary ghetto ass walk in clinic near my house. The one with the 40 dollar a visit sign out front and folding chairs in the lobby. As I walked in some sort of shit seems to have been caught abusing a fan again and a slightly paniced young man told me they were closed.

I wasn't sick I just had an ear wax blockage in my head which has to be one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever experienced. I wanted to kill that young man. He also called me bro. People who call me bro require me to make a physical effort to not crush their windpipe. I hate that kid. Oh well, so I had to go to the Baptist Medical Center. It is basicly a walk in attached to one giant ass hospital. It is the hospital that ambulances drive past to go to the better one. And yet...yet.... from my enterence into the lobby to my final exit from the lobby I wasn't there for longer than an hour and a half. Holy fuck. The longest time spent on anything was my actual procedure. I didn't even get to finnish reading one of my Time magazines which is increadble to me. Now my ears are unclogged, my sinuses have cleared up, all the pain and discomfort is gone and I no longer want to kill every living thing in a 5 mile radius.

Yeah it was bad. See here is the thing, I get sexual arousal from domination and pain. I am a migraine sufferer...wait wait. See that spelling of migrain? Yeah well it is retarded we are doing it my way from now on. Anyway, yeah migrains there have been times where I have spent hours in the bath room clutching a toilet bowl vomiting in the dark. Ever vomit in the dark? It is one of the most depressing experiences ever. Bt I couldn't have the light on because it hurt way to much. I've done this. Yet... I would rather have a migrain that all that ear bullshit. Migrains are big, dramatic and fucking spectacular let me tell you. However, they are also finite. When a migrain hits you know what the next 12-24 hours will entail. Pain! Then it will be over. Sometimes you'll need the next day to recover, especially if there is vomiting involved, sometimes you can shake off the after effects like a bad memory, either way the pain goes away and you are free to wander off.

This ear shit? Nope. It will stick around forever Until you deal with it. You could swallow sinus medication, take advil until you are shitting your stomach lining, and anything else you can think of and it will still be there. It will never go away and it will only get worse. Not only that but if I moved around to much I got fucking nauseous, I hate nausea it drives me insane. It is a really cool word though. Nausea look at it, I love the letters s-e-a, they flow so well together. Hrm. Yeah though, I am glad that is over with. I have not been having a fun time of it and I am glad my problems are solved.

Oh yeah I have an ear infection too. BULLSHIT! HOwever, I got free medicine to get rid of it which is pretty bad ass because I am poor.

Oh and I hate the irish but that is a diffrent story entirely.

Hopping from Puddle to Puddle

Taking a little break from Marx I decided to do some generalized talking about stuff.

1) I downloaded and played Spore. That game really is a pile of ass. As a toy it gains top marks. It is fun to screw with creature bits, desighn buildings, mess with junk...but the actual game itself is not fun. Well okay the cell phase is a great deal of fun. When something 80 billion times your size comes chasing after you it is increadble fun to turn, fight, and win. I did win too. My first battle was epic as I circled the giant monstrosity for mintus dodging nimbly between the spikes that covered its body, nibbling away at its health until it died. Then... I got absolutly no reward. Self satisfaction was almost enough though.

Then in the next phase we had tribes and such and we wandered around gathering food and kill those who fools who happened to be next to us. Now see this is where I thought it would get exciting. See if I kill 5 of thier dudes they go extinct and I naturally thought the same rules would apply to me. They didn't. Everyone left me alone and I was free to rip the heads off of whoever I wanted to with impunity. THe rest of the game left me feeling similarly blah.

I think it is because I've been spoiled. Some of my favorite games are X-Com UFO Defesne, Dwarf Fortress, Alpha Centuri, and I really want to take a couple of days off from work to learn to play Europa Universals III, or maybe the rome version I can't tell. Either way I am excited about those games. The point being is that when I sit down to the computer to play a game I have this weird expectation that things are going to be complex and exciting and when they aren't I am annoyed. The thing is that Spore could of been everthing I asked of it. 90% of the games development is graphics, so they could of spent a couple of extra months or even a year putting an actual game behind their little toy but they didn't. That is sad.

2) Bye bye hours. So my hours have been cut for no real reason other than to piss me off. I feel like I should be pissed off because they are my hours and I should both fight and die for them, and yet I just don't feel like it. I am enjoying the extra time I now have on a weekly basis and I have to say that I am much less tired and in a much better mood over all. It also makes my weeks fly by faster. So I am generally happy with this new situation.

I do make signifigantly less money now though. SAD! SO I have to seriously cut down on my cash expendatures, which is something I wanted to do anyway. It will be easyer now though because I work less. Yeah I know for most people the opposite is true, but I tend to justify most expendatures with the justification that I work a lot and I need these things to enjoy...gah lunch is over