Friday, January 22, 2010

Oh well these things do happen

Its funny. Sometimes when things are pretty low I sometimes think that if I cured my migrains my depression would be cured as well. Or vice versa. It is a nice thought. However, my migrains are caused by an unknown factor, lack of sleep, certain odors, and stress. My depression is a large black cloud that floats around in the back of my head and sometimes it ends up in the front of my head for a visit. One is precicise excruciating pain that really does make me redefine the term unbearable. Whereas depression just sort of sits there like a 30 ton load stone which drags me down.

At the moment I am depressed. However! It isn't so bad relatively speaking. I am not pointlessly angry at Sasha over nothing. I do that shit, it is terrible and sad. I'm glad that I'm not doing that now, and I wish it were something I'd never do again. Heck I am not really angry or lashing out at anyone. Tis nice. I felt this growing in the back of my skull for awhile now, and the wave ended up cresting on Tuesday. Now I am just stuck in the undertow. Not even anime club cheered me up, and mostly for their protection I remained withdrawn for the evening. Oh well.

This bout isn't that bad, it certainly isn't the worst I've ever had which is nice. Everytime this happens to me there is that deep down secret little fear of, "what if this doesn't go away this time? What if I stay stuck like this forever?" The answer? Well I'd take up drinking and bad poetry. The combonation of the three would result in the dissolusion of my current relationship but I would exchange it with lots and lots of uninhibited sex.

As a strange aside I was talking to two girls the other day about long disatance relationships. One girl I like and I am glad I met her. The other girl I half like and I am glad that I don't talk to her outside of work. Anyway both were talking about how they have needs and that they wouldn't be able to handle a long distance relationship. Its funny though. See, I explained to them that I could pretty easily open my relationship up. I wouldn't be hard. I would just have to look her in the eyes and say to her, "Look I miss you and as a result I need to get my pole waxed by girls who I don't like enough to date/love/take care of, but I do want to fuck. You don't mind right?". She would say it would be okay and I would see the hurt in her eyes but that's okay because I could just fuck that pain away with some other girl. Yeah see that isn't worth it. Its sad because one of those girls I was talking to was like 32, and she hasn't figgured out that there are some people worth sacrificing imeaditate gratification for. Oh well. The shit I do isn't for everyone and I hope her own path is a happy one.

Anyway. Back on topic. Its strange. I cured my whole anemia thing with just one pill, it was amazing how quick and easy it went. So it is almost like maybe I could do the same thing with the migrains and everything else. Or something like that. It is a nice fantasy that I don't think I'll indulge in for to much longer.

So anyway. This shit needs to be over by Tuesday evening. That should be enough time. Tonight I clean up the hause a bit. Cleaning always makes me feel better, at the very least it is productive and it keeps me moving and when I am finished it looks like I did something. So I am down with all of these things. Sunday night I am going to do laundery. Again something nice, productive, and feel bettery. It also gets me out of the house. Sunday is also my night of choice because Books A million closes early. Anyway yeah. Saturday night I think I am going to try and write or something. Something creative and productive. Maybe another SLA bpn. Or I could shore up a couple of the other ones I wrote. Something like that.

Oh well at least my Kingdom of Loathing run is going well. I should be in aftercore by saturday evening. YAY! Hooray for small favors I guess.

Alright back to work I go or something like that.

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