Saturday, January 2, 2010

Somethings man was not meant to know

It’s a matter of perspective I guess. I don’t know. I was once talking with this one girl over the internet and she said to me, “You work really hard to be who you are”. It struck me as a funny thing to say then I realized how true it was. Then I realized how little work most people put into themselves. I bring this up because new years just happened, there was great celebration, lots of setting off of lame fire works, and other silly bullshit. Then immediately the world put its pants back on and got back to work. This is a time of renewal for some people. People look back on the past year or even decade and realize that they need to make changes and that they should start now. This is where the divide starts to happen. I do something like that every couple of months. I constantly look out for things I don’t like about myself and I change them. I try to stay “stuck in a rut” as little as possible and I do make a concerted effort to use my time as productively as possible. For example, I realized last month I was watching WAY to much TV and I wasn’t being an active watcher while I was doing it. That shit was put to an end and I was back on track. Reading more, writing more, eating more, doing more et cetera. I do have some serious road blocks, or rather things I just don’t know how to get around. Like socializing more. I don’t know how I’d do that even if I wanted to. Okay I do. Start drinking and go hang out at the Azelia. Or hell I could just grab a coke and hang out there. Bring my baby lap top and start writing there on a regular basis. Easy as pie. So never mind I do know how. I don’t want to though and that’s the point.

The point is that new years doesn’t make sense to me. I mean so what the earth is billions of years old, humanity is hundreds of years old, we pocess the technology to end world hunger but not the social maturity, we hate people who look different, we have the word hate period, there is still religious persicution, and more people care about the winning football team than the government who is trying to make everyone’s lives better. The thing is though it might fail. That’s scary. Still we all feel a need to celebrate to pat ourselves on the back and be all happy that the year has happened. It isn’t that I disagree with this, or anything like that at all. I think it is great, and a little more fellowship and comradery amongst people is a nice thing. It is just that the idea of New Years is a concept that is fundamentally alien to me. I don’t understand it. I can’t see it as anything more that a sad excuse to party, a pathetic cry for help, and a time for people to make resolutions they don’t intend on following. I mean seriously if they really wanted to do any of the crap most people resolve to do they would just do it, and not need some sort of special date to make the occation.

I realize it isn’t like that for everyone. Hell it might not be like that for anyone. But when I said that it is a view that is fundamentally alien from my own I wasn’t joking at all. It really really is. I don’t get it. I don’t think I ever will. I’ll admit though some of it is due to lack of trying. New Years seems to fit this social need for people that I’ve transcended. Okay transcended is a bad word, it makes me sound super arrogant. Moved past I guess is better. Hell this whole thing makes me sound super arrogant and I don’t mean it to. I really don’t. I look at the people who all rush out on new years and they see and feel something special, something grand, something that I just don’t see. I don’t see it at all, and that’s a little bit sad to me. Then again though my life is filled with 75 pounds of beauty. I realize I don’t write about it enough. Like the woman I saw clutching her head, or how pretty I find my street, or how I like the way certain words are structured, the art I look at, and the people I surround myself with. I laugh, and shout a lot. Even if I am by myself and to me, that is okay. This is something I am find with.

I don’t really celebrate any holidays. It has to do with my family and how I had to spread them out, and hurt my parents. I realized this awhile ago and that is the sort of thing that sticks with you for the rest of your life. It is a sad sad thing. Perhaps my inability to enjoy New Years is part of that. No matter though. I run, jump, and laugh ten times harder than just about anyone else I know, and I deal with 50% less shit as a result. Woo! It is one of those things I guess, nothing can be done about it cept just keep moving on. There is a stream of worries waiting in 2010, I’m going to start tackling them though with the same vicous force I’ve been using all along. I don’t need to wait for a mile stone to make things happen, neither does anyone else. Ah whatever. I hope everyone that actually enjoys the damn thing had a happy new year’s eve. I know I did.

Oh and zombies is last decade. This decade it is all about the sea monsters. Spread the word.

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